The weather in this country lately have been very erratic, much like Amanda Byne's new behaviour (read: craycray).
One day it is torrential rain and the other, hotter than the pits of hell (any religion's version but preferably the Chinese's 18th level of damnation).
Yesterday was damnation day. That, and couple with a considerable amount of haze in the air was enough to drive me crazy and my only salvation would be a huge cup of ice cold salted caramel gelato.
So after I had my own time of solitary reading (cause I'm a loner that's why) at Starbucks (ice shaken green tea please), I made my way to the nearest gelato shop at Lido to satisfy my craving for ice cold gelato.
But this being Singapore, even a small gelato shop has got a queue in front of it and like any good citizen, I went in line.
You know how some people are magnets for douchebags? Well, I am a magnet for stupid people. Not intellectually challenged stupidity, but lack of goodness kind of stupidity. And goodness in every sense that there is.
In front of me was this lady in her forties, with two children, a boy and a girl, both not more than 10 years old. She was trying the different flavours of the gelato, one spoonful for her, two spoonfuls for her kids.
I didn't mind because I had all the time in the world to wait and I believe that if you're going to have a cup of gelato goodness, you might as well be having a flavour that you would enjoy.
But byt he third flavour testing, my "stupidity radar" started blinking.
"Can I try the pistachio flavor?" she asked.
A spoonful of pistachio gelato.
"Can I have two more, my kids also want to taste and then decide," she requested, the third time now.
Two spoonfuls of pistachio gelato.
Total spoon check: 9.
This fuckery was followed by:
1) Salted Caramel
2) Dark Chocolate.
3) Strawberry Sorbet
4) Cookies And Cream
5) Bailey's Cream
6) Cappuccino
7) Chocolate And Mint
8) Lemon Sunrise
If you passed your Math, you would know that over a hundred disposable spoons have been given out; for one customer.
By this time the poor boy manning the parlour was so pissed he was practically scowling openly to the retarded lady. Behind me, a small queue of over seven people have been formed.
But the biggest fuckery came when the lady flatly said, "It's okay. Maybe next time."
I wanted to kick her so bad not because she just wasted the boy's time when she clearly has got no intention of buying any gelato whatsoever but the fact that there was zero sense of graciousness. Not a single sorry was given.
She walked away and I came to the counter, gave a huge smile and said, "Two large cups of gelato please."
It was worth the tummy ache.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
25 Stupid Things Singaporeans Do
1) Using their bags to tap their ez-link instead of taking out their wallets.
It's an ez-link and reader, not a bag reader. Lazy as fuck for what?
2) Using tissue paper to reserve a seat at food courts.
Unfortunately for you, I don't give a shit. Thanks for the tissues though.
3) Queueing.
There's only 24 hours in a day. And aren't your feet tired?
4) Asking for discounts in a high end store when it is clearly not a sale period.
If you can't fucking afford, don't walk the fuck in.
5) If above fails, asks for free gifts.
Why? Cause you're a cheap ass that's why.
6) Taking pictures of their food.
We all do, fair enough. But I draw the line at spending more than fifteen minutes on it. Anything more, you're better off eating your camera.
7) Complaining.
Bitch and moan for a while, then suck it up and move on. God, once a whiner, always a whiner.
8) Sending your kids to five different enrichment classes.
Face these 2 facts: 1) Your child is average. 2) Your child is average.
9) Writing to the government.
And...?
10) Pretending to sleep on the train.
Let me give you a pillow while you're at it? A blanket? Yes? No?
11) Blaming teachers if your child fails in his/her exams.
Cause you know, every teacher in this country is just dying to see your kid fail.
12) Taking too long at the ATM.
It's an Automated Transaction Machine. Not Ah Takeyourownbloodysweetimenevermind Machine.
13) Being painfully self-righteous.
Cannot repeal 377A. Must protect our Asian values and traditions. Students asking lecturers to sleep with them in exchange for good grades is a very Asian concept for?
14) Take a budget airline and complain about service.
You want to be treated like a king, spend like one you cheapskate motherfucker.
15) Taking 300 photos of your baby. While your baby is sleeping.
How about you stop at the 5th click? Cause your baby is fast asleep and not giving any kind of interesting variations in his/her photos. That, and your baby is ugly.
16) Girls who hold their boyfriend's hands and not letting go.
He needs to pee bitch, and he's not going to run away.
17) Parents who us their baby pictures going, "Cute right my baby?"
YOU ARE LUCKY IT IS NOT A TWIN.
18) Not putting back the things in a store at the same place after you have finished browsing.
If you're a pig, keep your filthy behaviour within the confines of your room. Not show it in public.
19) Going to a community centre to learn dancing from dodgy dance instructors.
Why?
20) Giving foreigners face.
Again...why?
21) Wearing a jacket to Orchard ROad. At 2 in the afternoon.
There is a limit, even to being pretentious. Fashion without common sense.
22) Converting the bomb shelter into a storeroom.
Because it makes perfect sense you know.
23) Go to Starbucks, buy one drink and then hog the table for six hours.
Best. Idea. Ever.
24) Wearing suede shoes during the monsoon season.
Then get angry at yourself when it rains. Now tell me, stupid or not?
25) Trying to have sex with your lecturer in exchange for grades.
Because you're too stupid too study.
It's an ez-link and reader, not a bag reader. Lazy as fuck for what?
2) Using tissue paper to reserve a seat at food courts.
Unfortunately for you, I don't give a shit. Thanks for the tissues though.
3) Queueing.
There's only 24 hours in a day. And aren't your feet tired?
4) Asking for discounts in a high end store when it is clearly not a sale period.
If you can't fucking afford, don't walk the fuck in.
5) If above fails, asks for free gifts.
Why? Cause you're a cheap ass that's why.
6) Taking pictures of their food.
We all do, fair enough. But I draw the line at spending more than fifteen minutes on it. Anything more, you're better off eating your camera.
7) Complaining.
Bitch and moan for a while, then suck it up and move on. God, once a whiner, always a whiner.
8) Sending your kids to five different enrichment classes.
Face these 2 facts: 1) Your child is average. 2) Your child is average.
9) Writing to the government.
And...?
10) Pretending to sleep on the train.
Let me give you a pillow while you're at it? A blanket? Yes? No?
11) Blaming teachers if your child fails in his/her exams.
Cause you know, every teacher in this country is just dying to see your kid fail.
12) Taking too long at the ATM.
It's an Automated Transaction Machine. Not Ah Takeyourownbloodysweetimenevermind Machine.
13) Being painfully self-righteous.
Cannot repeal 377A. Must protect our Asian values and traditions. Students asking lecturers to sleep with them in exchange for good grades is a very Asian concept for?
14) Take a budget airline and complain about service.
You want to be treated like a king, spend like one you cheapskate motherfucker.
15) Taking 300 photos of your baby. While your baby is sleeping.
How about you stop at the 5th click? Cause your baby is fast asleep and not giving any kind of interesting variations in his/her photos. That, and your baby is ugly.
16) Girls who hold their boyfriend's hands and not letting go.
He needs to pee bitch, and he's not going to run away.
17) Parents who us their baby pictures going, "Cute right my baby?"
YOU ARE LUCKY IT IS NOT A TWIN.
18) Not putting back the things in a store at the same place after you have finished browsing.
If you're a pig, keep your filthy behaviour within the confines of your room. Not show it in public.
19) Going to a community centre to learn dancing from dodgy dance instructors.
Why?
20) Giving foreigners face.
Again...why?
21) Wearing a jacket to Orchard ROad. At 2 in the afternoon.
There is a limit, even to being pretentious. Fashion without common sense.
22) Converting the bomb shelter into a storeroom.
Because it makes perfect sense you know.
23) Go to Starbucks, buy one drink and then hog the table for six hours.
Best. Idea. Ever.
24) Wearing suede shoes during the monsoon season.
Then get angry at yourself when it rains. Now tell me, stupid or not?
25) Trying to have sex with your lecturer in exchange for grades.
Because you're too stupid too study.
What A Big T(issue)
Stupidity and ignorance is prevalent (and rampant) in this county. This is the only country in the entire world where it makes perfect sense to claim ownership of a table at a public eatery with...a tissue paper.
Luckily for my friends and I, we don't adhere to such rubbish.
Yesterday, Steve, Melanie, Star and I decided to have Nasi Lemak at Adam Road because it has been ages since we all sat together for dinner at a foodcourt.
At around eight at night, Steve picked up all of us and off we went to savour the legendary Adam Road Nasi Lemak.
When we reached, it was relatively busy and quite packed; then again when is Adam Road foodcourt not packed? Star saw an empty round table and quickly sat there. I sat with her and asked Melanie and Steve to buy the Nasi Lemak for us.
After sitting down, I realized that there is a pack of tissues on the table. I snorted and took it away and asked Star to keep it in her bag.
"What do you know? Free tissues," I sniggered.
Star chuckled.
A couple of minutes later, Melanie and Steve came to our table bearing four plates of the glorious Nasi Lemak. We quickly tucked in, unable to contain our ravenous appetite.
Just then, two middle aged ladies came to our table, a tray filled with food per lady, face annoyed.
"Sorry this is our table," one of the lady said curtly.
"There wasn't anybody who was sitting here when i came," Star said, her voice calm and steady.
"You cannot see the tissue is it?" the other lady replied rudely.
"Oh this?" Star said taking out the packet of tissue paper from her bag.
Both women had a horrified expression on their faces.
"Yes! That's mine! I reserved the seat already this table is mine!" one of them raised their voice.
"Oh my god this Nasi Lemak is sooo good!" Melanie said, spiting the two ladies even more.
"So if I throw a packet of tissue in your house, can I come by in a couple of hours and say it's mine?" Star asked, childlike.
I chuckled. Loudly.
"But it's common sense! This is Singapore you know!" one of the ladies said, literally shouting now. Half of the people seated in the foodcourt stared at our table.
"It's not," Star shook her head and smiled.
"What?" the lady spat.
"It's not common sense. At all," Star shook her head.
"Stupid people!" one of them said, and both ladies walked away.
"This is why I don't eat at foodcourts. And it's not because I am filthy rich," Steve said, biting into his chicken wing.
"Are we going to be on Stomp?" Melanie asked.
"Wouldn't you love that?" I laughed.
But honestly, are we on Stomp?
Luckily for my friends and I, we don't adhere to such rubbish.
Yesterday, Steve, Melanie, Star and I decided to have Nasi Lemak at Adam Road because it has been ages since we all sat together for dinner at a foodcourt.
At around eight at night, Steve picked up all of us and off we went to savour the legendary Adam Road Nasi Lemak.
When we reached, it was relatively busy and quite packed; then again when is Adam Road foodcourt not packed? Star saw an empty round table and quickly sat there. I sat with her and asked Melanie and Steve to buy the Nasi Lemak for us.
After sitting down, I realized that there is a pack of tissues on the table. I snorted and took it away and asked Star to keep it in her bag.
"What do you know? Free tissues," I sniggered.
Star chuckled.
A couple of minutes later, Melanie and Steve came to our table bearing four plates of the glorious Nasi Lemak. We quickly tucked in, unable to contain our ravenous appetite.
Just then, two middle aged ladies came to our table, a tray filled with food per lady, face annoyed.
"Sorry this is our table," one of the lady said curtly.
"There wasn't anybody who was sitting here when i came," Star said, her voice calm and steady.
"You cannot see the tissue is it?" the other lady replied rudely.
"Oh this?" Star said taking out the packet of tissue paper from her bag.
Both women had a horrified expression on their faces.
"Yes! That's mine! I reserved the seat already this table is mine!" one of them raised their voice.
"Oh my god this Nasi Lemak is sooo good!" Melanie said, spiting the two ladies even more.
"So if I throw a packet of tissue in your house, can I come by in a couple of hours and say it's mine?" Star asked, childlike.
I chuckled. Loudly.
"But it's common sense! This is Singapore you know!" one of the ladies said, literally shouting now. Half of the people seated in the foodcourt stared at our table.
"It's not," Star shook her head and smiled.
"What?" the lady spat.
"It's not common sense. At all," Star shook her head.
"Stupid people!" one of them said, and both ladies walked away.
"This is why I don't eat at foodcourts. And it's not because I am filthy rich," Steve said, biting into his chicken wing.
"Are we going to be on Stomp?" Melanie asked.
"Wouldn't you love that?" I laughed.
But honestly, are we on Stomp?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Embarrassed, Embarrassed
Everyone has had embarrassing moments in their lives. Some are laughable and easily forgotten, some are mortifying and scarred you for life. I myself have experienced such moments and every time I think about it (which is quite a lot) I get the same sinking feeling in my heart similar to that time when I saw Liz & Dick on HBO during a drunken stupor.
So here's my top 3 most embarrassing moments (in no running order):
1) I was greatly involved in my school's drama club and this passion stemmed from the fact that I was a boisterous drama king (queen to be honest) in the making and I just needed an avenue to channel all that energy to and what better place to do so than the stage?
Year after year, time after time, you would see me again and again, up on stage for a myriad of occasions. Speech day compere, class debater, oratorical contests, literary evenings, drama nights blah, blah, blah. Always Harry. And soon enough I was becoming the go to guy for all these stage related events. People got sick of me, I was sure of that.
To cut the story short, I was 15 going on 16 and had put up a show which I had written and directed myself and I made this joke about "raining hotdogs" and nobody in the audience laughed. The school assemble was so quiet you could just cut the humiliating tension with my diminishing pride.
To make things worst, some little fucker started booing in the audience and soon, it escalated into a snowball effect and in five seconds, the entire school was booing at me. All I could remember was, "I need to get off the stage!"
It was mortifying.
2) I remembered going to Geylang Market with Star one day and she suddenly had a craving for goreng pisang (fried banana fritters). Star is a big goreng pisang fan and could literally eat fifty at one go. But the thing is, there are many different types of names for different bananas. And I have made the effort to teach her the more popular ones like tanduk, kepok, emas, monyet and what have you but she has made zero effort to remember any of these names; she just points.
So on that particular day, upon arriving at the goreng pisang stall, she started her usual pointing game. But this time, it was different.
"Cik, give me the long one $3, the short one $3, the one that already cut, yeah that one, the long one that you cut, you give me $3. Cik this one is hard kind or soft on the inside?"
The uncle laughed and I didn't walk in front of that shop for two years.
3) We were at the Ritz this one time celebrating Melanie's birthday, just the four of us because Melanie had wanted something intimate for her birthday. After 5 bottles of champagne, the four of us were really tipsy and was basically having a great time.
Melanie had left her blusher in the toilet and had forgotten all about it. As I was returning the blusher back to her, she suddenly had tis crazy idea of putting makeup on my face, the whole shebang; falsies, lipstick, eye-shadow, blusher drag queen style.
And I said okay, what's the worst that could happen right? An hour later, the three of them were snapping away on their phones; subject, me. The very next day, I asked them to transfer a couple of those pictures to me and I kept it in my laptop for sheer amusement. And then I totally forgotten all about it.
Until one day when my mum's laptop broke down.
She borrowed my Macbook to watch some serial on YouTube and lo and behold, she saw those incriminating pictures. I'll spare you the mini meltdown both mother and son had, but she did asked me if I was a drag queen leading a double life and whether I had started taking female hormones yet, and if I did, I should stop.
I wanted to take rat's poison at that point of time.
So here's my top 3 most embarrassing moments (in no running order):
1) I was greatly involved in my school's drama club and this passion stemmed from the fact that I was a boisterous drama king (queen to be honest) in the making and I just needed an avenue to channel all that energy to and what better place to do so than the stage?
Year after year, time after time, you would see me again and again, up on stage for a myriad of occasions. Speech day compere, class debater, oratorical contests, literary evenings, drama nights blah, blah, blah. Always Harry. And soon enough I was becoming the go to guy for all these stage related events. People got sick of me, I was sure of that.
To cut the story short, I was 15 going on 16 and had put up a show which I had written and directed myself and I made this joke about "raining hotdogs" and nobody in the audience laughed. The school assemble was so quiet you could just cut the humiliating tension with my diminishing pride.
To make things worst, some little fucker started booing in the audience and soon, it escalated into a snowball effect and in five seconds, the entire school was booing at me. All I could remember was, "I need to get off the stage!"
It was mortifying.
2) I remembered going to Geylang Market with Star one day and she suddenly had a craving for goreng pisang (fried banana fritters). Star is a big goreng pisang fan and could literally eat fifty at one go. But the thing is, there are many different types of names for different bananas. And I have made the effort to teach her the more popular ones like tanduk, kepok, emas, monyet and what have you but she has made zero effort to remember any of these names; she just points.
So on that particular day, upon arriving at the goreng pisang stall, she started her usual pointing game. But this time, it was different.
"Cik, give me the long one $3, the short one $3, the one that already cut, yeah that one, the long one that you cut, you give me $3. Cik this one is hard kind or soft on the inside?"
The uncle laughed and I didn't walk in front of that shop for two years.
3) We were at the Ritz this one time celebrating Melanie's birthday, just the four of us because Melanie had wanted something intimate for her birthday. After 5 bottles of champagne, the four of us were really tipsy and was basically having a great time.
Melanie had left her blusher in the toilet and had forgotten all about it. As I was returning the blusher back to her, she suddenly had tis crazy idea of putting makeup on my face, the whole shebang; falsies, lipstick, eye-shadow, blusher drag queen style.
And I said okay, what's the worst that could happen right? An hour later, the three of them were snapping away on their phones; subject, me. The very next day, I asked them to transfer a couple of those pictures to me and I kept it in my laptop for sheer amusement. And then I totally forgotten all about it.
Until one day when my mum's laptop broke down.
She borrowed my Macbook to watch some serial on YouTube and lo and behold, she saw those incriminating pictures. I'll spare you the mini meltdown both mother and son had, but she did asked me if I was a drag queen leading a double life and whether I had started taking female hormones yet, and if I did, I should stop.
I wanted to take rat's poison at that point of time.
Monday, April 15, 2013
A Vibrating Issue
Have I told you that my mum found a vibrator in Harold's room yesterday? Yes you read that right.
My mum, God bless her poor worrying soul, found a vibrator in Harold's room. Of course the vibrator wasn't his but come on, any mother would flip out if they found a vibrator in their son's room.
It was for Alice, his primary school friend. Harold and his group of friends decided to buy something wacky for Alice as an engagement gift. So all of them bought for her a really nice vibrator (apparently it is in built with four different massaging styles) and Harold was to keep until her engagement next weekend.
What was hilarious wasn't the act of finding out about the vibrator but the way my mum approached the "discovery".
We were having dinner yesterday at home and midway through dinner, my mum asked Harold, "Do you have anything to confess to me?"
Harold scrunched up his face, shook his head and muttered a curt, "No".
"Are you sure?" my mum probed further.
"Why did you found out something?" Harold asked back.
"Maybe," my mum answered.
"What..." harold sighed.
"Are you gay?" my mum abruptly said.
I chocked on my rice and broke into a giggle fit.
"No!" Harold shouted.
"Then why do you have a vibrator in your room?!" my mum shouted back, putting the vibrator on the dinner table. She apparently had it taped underneath our dinner table and wanted to present it to my brother. Oh I know my mother too well.
"It's not mine! It's for Alice!" Harold said.
"Don't lie! If you're gay just say it, don't lie to me I'm your mother!" my mum dramatically cried.
By this time I had already excused myself from the table and was listening to all the action and drama from the kitchen.
"Do you want to talk to Sean? he will explain to you since you don't believe me!" Harold cried.
"Is Sean (Harold's best friend) your boyfriend? Be honest! He is a great kid I don't mind...," my mum kept badgering on.
"Mum! Stop!" Harold shouted.
I actually laughed so hard in the kitchen my mum screamed from the dining table, "Harry it's not funny! Stop!"
After showing my mum the messages inside the group chat containing evidence of them discussing about buying the vibrator then my mum relented. But not before saying something ridiculously epic, like how she is.
"For a moment I thought it really was yours. You scared me. I actually told Aunt Meg about it."
Cue blood curling "What!!" Harold style.
My mum, God bless her poor worrying soul, found a vibrator in Harold's room. Of course the vibrator wasn't his but come on, any mother would flip out if they found a vibrator in their son's room.
It was for Alice, his primary school friend. Harold and his group of friends decided to buy something wacky for Alice as an engagement gift. So all of them bought for her a really nice vibrator (apparently it is in built with four different massaging styles) and Harold was to keep until her engagement next weekend.
What was hilarious wasn't the act of finding out about the vibrator but the way my mum approached the "discovery".
We were having dinner yesterday at home and midway through dinner, my mum asked Harold, "Do you have anything to confess to me?"
Harold scrunched up his face, shook his head and muttered a curt, "No".
"Are you sure?" my mum probed further.
"Why did you found out something?" Harold asked back.
"Maybe," my mum answered.
"What..." harold sighed.
"Are you gay?" my mum abruptly said.
I chocked on my rice and broke into a giggle fit.
"No!" Harold shouted.
"Then why do you have a vibrator in your room?!" my mum shouted back, putting the vibrator on the dinner table. She apparently had it taped underneath our dinner table and wanted to present it to my brother. Oh I know my mother too well.
"It's not mine! It's for Alice!" Harold said.
"Don't lie! If you're gay just say it, don't lie to me I'm your mother!" my mum dramatically cried.
By this time I had already excused myself from the table and was listening to all the action and drama from the kitchen.
"Do you want to talk to Sean? he will explain to you since you don't believe me!" Harold cried.
"Is Sean (Harold's best friend) your boyfriend? Be honest! He is a great kid I don't mind...," my mum kept badgering on.
"Mum! Stop!" Harold shouted.
I actually laughed so hard in the kitchen my mum screamed from the dining table, "Harry it's not funny! Stop!"
After showing my mum the messages inside the group chat containing evidence of them discussing about buying the vibrator then my mum relented. But not before saying something ridiculously epic, like how she is.
"For a moment I thought it really was yours. You scared me. I actually told Aunt Meg about it."
Cue blood curling "What!!" Harold style.
25 Things A Bollywood Movie Must Have
1) One hero beating 25 other men, flat. Chuck Norris, who?
2) Windblown hair effect. They can be indoors or in a dingy alley but when the music starts playing, wind motherfuckers. WIND.
3) A hero recoiling like a pussy when the heroine touches the scar.
4) Big, big houses.
5) Shah Rukh Khan.
6) Dramatic slow-mo effects. And excessively used.
7) Tears enough to drown a grown man in.
8) Love triangle, almost definitely.
9) Fireworks. And I'm being literal here.
10) An anguished mother. The more anguished, the better.
11) Villages. And half of the time it would be on fire.
12) Helicopter shots, sometimes to the point of nauseousness.
13) Chest hair (though nowadays a clean shaved look is more popular).
14) Rain, sometimes partial, sometime torrential, but oh, always dramatically.
15) Temple scenes and while we're at it, ringing of bells, the more the merrier.
16) Invincible hero. In cases that hero dies, the entire family would be there bawling their eyes out.
17) Enough gold and jewelry to put India out of poverty.
18) Chiffon sari. In every colour imaginable.
19) Ganges River.
20) Rahul, Raj, Pooja, Priya. The Awesome Foursome.
21) FALSIES!!!
22) Trains, heading everywhere and anywhere.
23) Fields. Sometimes paddy, sometimes poppy.
24) A widow in white, somewhere.
25) Zero common sense.
2) Windblown hair effect. They can be indoors or in a dingy alley but when the music starts playing, wind motherfuckers. WIND.
3) A hero recoiling like a pussy when the heroine touches the scar.
4) Big, big houses.
5) Shah Rukh Khan.
6) Dramatic slow-mo effects. And excessively used.
7) Tears enough to drown a grown man in.
8) Love triangle, almost definitely.
9) Fireworks. And I'm being literal here.
10) An anguished mother. The more anguished, the better.
11) Villages. And half of the time it would be on fire.
12) Helicopter shots, sometimes to the point of nauseousness.
13) Chest hair (though nowadays a clean shaved look is more popular).
14) Rain, sometimes partial, sometime torrential, but oh, always dramatically.
15) Temple scenes and while we're at it, ringing of bells, the more the merrier.
16) Invincible hero. In cases that hero dies, the entire family would be there bawling their eyes out.
17) Enough gold and jewelry to put India out of poverty.
18) Chiffon sari. In every colour imaginable.
19) Ganges River.
20) Rahul, Raj, Pooja, Priya. The Awesome Foursome.
21) FALSIES!!!
22) Trains, heading everywhere and anywhere.
23) Fields. Sometimes paddy, sometimes poppy.
24) A widow in white, somewhere.
25) Zero common sense.
What's My Name?
They say god divides. If he makes you all pretty and gorgeous, he makes you stupid. I think that's just a sick joke on the Almighty's part but I definitely suffer from that unfunny division.
See, I'm a social butterfly. I would like to think that if you were to put me in a room full of strangers, two minutes into it is all I'm going to take before I make friends with everyone in that very room.
Melanie says that I'm the biggest social butterfly that she has ever known and that Mariah Carey wouldn't think twice about putting me on her charm bracelet.
But the biggest joke of it all is that even though I am one of the most friendly dude around, I am as bad when it comes to remembering names. And that my dear readers, it is the worst combination, ever. I would be so busy making new friends and forgetting their poor names the very next day.
Fact of the matter is, I remember faces, not names.
There have been many occasions where I would sit, all by myself in a cafe, or just walking around Orchard Road and someone would approach me with an affirmative, "Hey Harry! Nice bumping into you! Remember me?"
This would be followed by a short look of confusion, a feeble fake smile and a resounding, "Of course!"
Look I know it's bad enough that my memory fails me all the damn time but I spent almost a quarter of my life training to be an actor so if I can fake the hell out of it, why not?
Yesterday however, was an exception.
I was accompanying Star on her lunch break and halfway, a random dude came over to my table and said, "Hey Harry! Remember me?!"
"Heyyy...Of course I remember you..." my voice trailed off, hoping that it wouldn't betray my fear because honestly, I have no fucking clue what his name was.
"I'll get back to you, let me go grab a cup of coffee," the dude said.
"Sure! Sure! Please do!" I said, sounding slightly excited.
He left the table.
"Who is he?" I asked Star.
"Am I walking database?" Star said, eating her salad.
"Fuck...I know he was my army mate but what's his name? Star help!" I pleaded.
"You should listen to yourself speak right now. It's hilarious. I went to the army with you is it?!" Star mockingly chided me.
"Let's get out of here. I can't remember his name," I urgently said.
"I'm not done with my salad, don't be an asshole," Star stared at me.
Nameless army mate is walking towards me and all I could think of was how screwed I am.
"How have you been?" he asked earnestly.
"I've been good, yourself?" I asked back out of courtesy. Deep inside I actually didn't give a shit.
"Yeah, I'm getting married next month," he smiled.
Star raised her eyebrows.
"Oh. That's nice!" I said, faking my way through the ordeal.
"You don't remember my name do you?" he suddenly asked.
"I do, I just...I forgot your name," I said, ashamed.
"Harry, we share the same name, how can you possibly forget that?"
Star choked on her Caesar salad and I well, let's not even go there.
See, I'm a social butterfly. I would like to think that if you were to put me in a room full of strangers, two minutes into it is all I'm going to take before I make friends with everyone in that very room.
Melanie says that I'm the biggest social butterfly that she has ever known and that Mariah Carey wouldn't think twice about putting me on her charm bracelet.
But the biggest joke of it all is that even though I am one of the most friendly dude around, I am as bad when it comes to remembering names. And that my dear readers, it is the worst combination, ever. I would be so busy making new friends and forgetting their poor names the very next day.
Fact of the matter is, I remember faces, not names.
There have been many occasions where I would sit, all by myself in a cafe, or just walking around Orchard Road and someone would approach me with an affirmative, "Hey Harry! Nice bumping into you! Remember me?"
This would be followed by a short look of confusion, a feeble fake smile and a resounding, "Of course!"
Look I know it's bad enough that my memory fails me all the damn time but I spent almost a quarter of my life training to be an actor so if I can fake the hell out of it, why not?
Yesterday however, was an exception.
I was accompanying Star on her lunch break and halfway, a random dude came over to my table and said, "Hey Harry! Remember me?!"
"Heyyy...Of course I remember you..." my voice trailed off, hoping that it wouldn't betray my fear because honestly, I have no fucking clue what his name was.
"I'll get back to you, let me go grab a cup of coffee," the dude said.
"Sure! Sure! Please do!" I said, sounding slightly excited.
He left the table.
"Who is he?" I asked Star.
"Am I walking database?" Star said, eating her salad.
"Fuck...I know he was my army mate but what's his name? Star help!" I pleaded.
"You should listen to yourself speak right now. It's hilarious. I went to the army with you is it?!" Star mockingly chided me.
"Let's get out of here. I can't remember his name," I urgently said.
"I'm not done with my salad, don't be an asshole," Star stared at me.
Nameless army mate is walking towards me and all I could think of was how screwed I am.
"How have you been?" he asked earnestly.
"I've been good, yourself?" I asked back out of courtesy. Deep inside I actually didn't give a shit.
"Yeah, I'm getting married next month," he smiled.
Star raised her eyebrows.
"Oh. That's nice!" I said, faking my way through the ordeal.
"You don't remember my name do you?" he suddenly asked.
"I do, I just...I forgot your name," I said, ashamed.
"Harry, we share the same name, how can you possibly forget that?"
Star choked on her Caesar salad and I well, let's not even go there.
Ghost Hunter
It has been said that the unofficial national pastime for Singaporeans after eating is ghost hunting.
Yes ghost hunting.
As if our lives in this republic is not terrifying enough and our oppressors, sorry I meant government, are not monsters in human form, we put it upon ourselves to go and seek for everything supernatural. This is on top of the fact that our Asian culture as it is, is filled with ghouls, spirits and ghosts in every aspect of our lives.
Honestly I was getting sick and tired of our usual routine of home made dinner and then a movie afterwards with the usual suspects. So three days ago I suggested that all the four of us should go on an adventure by driving to the cemetery and seeing what happens.
"People go for river rafting, bungee jumping, skydiving for an adventure. Not get stuck in a car in the middle of a cemetery just inviting ghosts!" Melanie said.
"Mel, you're a transexual. You are our weapon against the supernatural, they fear the dual gender species!" Star replied, suddenly getting excited.
"Steve?" I asked.
"I'm up for it, sure. It beats having to watch Confessions Of A Shopaholic for the seventh time," he smiled.
"Noooo..." Melanie groaned.
Three minutes later, all four of us were in Steve's Audi and making our way to Chua Chu Kang cemetery. During the journey, Melanie was asking 1001 questions to dissuade us from going for our "adventure".
"What if Steve fainted? I can't drive!" she started.
"Harry and I can," Star replied.
"What if the car cannot start?" Melanie asked again.
"Steve can call his driver to come pick us up," I reassured her.
"Do you have any religious hymns? We are going to a Muslim cemetery. But this is Steve's car, and he's Catholic. So that makes this a Catholic car. Do you think Muslim spirits will only attack Catholic cars?" she rambled on.
"This is an Audi. And why are you so jumpy? Relax, it's just driving around the cemetery for an hour or so and then we would head back home. It's not like...OH MY GOD MELANIE WHAT IS THAT BESIDE YOU?!" Steve suddenly screamed.
Melanie screamed her guts out, masculine voice and all.
The three of us laughed so hard, the inside of the car partially became deafening for a good five seconds.
"It's not funny!" Melanie shouted, hitting Steve's head from the back.
The greatest laugh was when we reached the cemetery itself. It was anything but creepy or scary. For a start, the entire place was generously lit that we didn't even need to switch on our night lights or high beam. And this being Singapore, there was quite a number of random people squatting in front of tombstones asking for 4D numbers.
"See it's not that scary, The dead remains dead, it is the living that we need to be terrified of," Steve said.
"Since when did you become philosophical? It doesn't suit you," Melanie groaned.
Once we reached back at Steve's place, I told them all to take a shower.
"Why?" Melanie asked.
"Cause you might never know who or what followed you home. And cause it's hygienic," Star rolled her eyes.
"Bitch," Melanie uttered under breath, rather audibly.
Yes ghost hunting.
As if our lives in this republic is not terrifying enough and our oppressors, sorry I meant government, are not monsters in human form, we put it upon ourselves to go and seek for everything supernatural. This is on top of the fact that our Asian culture as it is, is filled with ghouls, spirits and ghosts in every aspect of our lives.
Honestly I was getting sick and tired of our usual routine of home made dinner and then a movie afterwards with the usual suspects. So three days ago I suggested that all the four of us should go on an adventure by driving to the cemetery and seeing what happens.
"People go for river rafting, bungee jumping, skydiving for an adventure. Not get stuck in a car in the middle of a cemetery just inviting ghosts!" Melanie said.
"Mel, you're a transexual. You are our weapon against the supernatural, they fear the dual gender species!" Star replied, suddenly getting excited.
"Steve?" I asked.
"I'm up for it, sure. It beats having to watch Confessions Of A Shopaholic for the seventh time," he smiled.
"Noooo..." Melanie groaned.
Three minutes later, all four of us were in Steve's Audi and making our way to Chua Chu Kang cemetery. During the journey, Melanie was asking 1001 questions to dissuade us from going for our "adventure".
"What if Steve fainted? I can't drive!" she started.
"Harry and I can," Star replied.
"What if the car cannot start?" Melanie asked again.
"Steve can call his driver to come pick us up," I reassured her.
"Do you have any religious hymns? We are going to a Muslim cemetery. But this is Steve's car, and he's Catholic. So that makes this a Catholic car. Do you think Muslim spirits will only attack Catholic cars?" she rambled on.
"This is an Audi. And why are you so jumpy? Relax, it's just driving around the cemetery for an hour or so and then we would head back home. It's not like...OH MY GOD MELANIE WHAT IS THAT BESIDE YOU?!" Steve suddenly screamed.
Melanie screamed her guts out, masculine voice and all.
The three of us laughed so hard, the inside of the car partially became deafening for a good five seconds.
"It's not funny!" Melanie shouted, hitting Steve's head from the back.
The greatest laugh was when we reached the cemetery itself. It was anything but creepy or scary. For a start, the entire place was generously lit that we didn't even need to switch on our night lights or high beam. And this being Singapore, there was quite a number of random people squatting in front of tombstones asking for 4D numbers.
"See it's not that scary, The dead remains dead, it is the living that we need to be terrified of," Steve said.
"Since when did you become philosophical? It doesn't suit you," Melanie groaned.
Once we reached back at Steve's place, I told them all to take a shower.
"Why?" Melanie asked.
"Cause you might never know who or what followed you home. And cause it's hygienic," Star rolled her eyes.
"Bitch," Melanie uttered under breath, rather audibly.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
25 Funniest Things My Mum Have Said...So Far.
Because let's face it, my mum needs a show on her own.
1) We were at Metro and at the bra section, she asked the flat chested girl manning the counter, "Which one you tried is the best?"
2) After purchasing, she walked out with me and whispered, "I bet she uses a lot of tissue paper in her lifetime just filling her bra back in school."
3) Once we were at a wedding and when she saw the bride: "The makeup artist hated her, she looks like an extra in a zombie flick."
4) "I don't want grandchildren, I want a Birkin."
5) My mum was describing to me her first period and she said, "It was more painful than childbirth. At least during childbirth you can opt for an epidural."
6) Upon seeing a girl wearing a really short miniskirt, "Her stomach is going to get bloated from all the wind coming in between her thighs."
7) When finding out that Kim Kardashian is half Armenian: "That sounds dirty. No wonder she is a total whore."
8) She was visiting her childhood friend's house when she texted me, "Her house is so filthy I can just die from inhaling the air in here."
9) I asked her if she would ever reconcile with my father. She said, "Eeeuw."
10) "There should be a law against people who don't bathe in the morning. You know how cars go through that room filled with soap and giant brushes? They should install one at every ez-link gantry."
11) "I have no idea why your cousin _____ even bother to wear makeup. No amount of makeup can conceal that ugly face."
12) "One day Beyonce is going to break her spine from all that dancing."
13) When asked if she would ever go for plastic surgery: "Ask your cousin ______."
14) "Do you think if your father stayed married to me for one more year he would have checked into a mental institution?"
15) I bought for her a new perfume from Elie Saab and she said, "This is how virgin girls should smell like."
16) "Stop telling people that you get your snarky bone from me! I am nice!"
17) Once she was arguing with my neighbour and she shouted, "I am THIS close to releasing an army of Pontianaks in your house!"
18) She was hanging the laundry and she shouted from across the corridor, "Whose peach lacy thong does this belong to?! Oh sorry, it's mine!"
19) "Please don't believe in this whole love crap."
20) On the way to the clinic because of her migraine, "In case I die, please do not give any of my branded bags to your step mother or I will personally come out of the grave and kill both you and your brother."
21) "Sometimes I am so angry for being middle class. Upper class people don't have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to the market and argue with the butcher."
22) When asked if she would ever consider marrying again: "Eeeuw."
23) We were watching a Bollywood movie song and dance sequence and she said, "Where is all that wind coming from?"
24) "Please don't wear that shirt Harold. You look like a gay pimp."
25) "Why are people so stupid?"
1) We were at Metro and at the bra section, she asked the flat chested girl manning the counter, "Which one you tried is the best?"
2) After purchasing, she walked out with me and whispered, "I bet she uses a lot of tissue paper in her lifetime just filling her bra back in school."
3) Once we were at a wedding and when she saw the bride: "The makeup artist hated her, she looks like an extra in a zombie flick."
4) "I don't want grandchildren, I want a Birkin."
5) My mum was describing to me her first period and she said, "It was more painful than childbirth. At least during childbirth you can opt for an epidural."
6) Upon seeing a girl wearing a really short miniskirt, "Her stomach is going to get bloated from all the wind coming in between her thighs."
7) When finding out that Kim Kardashian is half Armenian: "That sounds dirty. No wonder she is a total whore."
8) She was visiting her childhood friend's house when she texted me, "Her house is so filthy I can just die from inhaling the air in here."
9) I asked her if she would ever reconcile with my father. She said, "Eeeuw."
10) "There should be a law against people who don't bathe in the morning. You know how cars go through that room filled with soap and giant brushes? They should install one at every ez-link gantry."
11) "I have no idea why your cousin _____ even bother to wear makeup. No amount of makeup can conceal that ugly face."
12) "One day Beyonce is going to break her spine from all that dancing."
13) When asked if she would ever go for plastic surgery: "Ask your cousin ______."
14) "Do you think if your father stayed married to me for one more year he would have checked into a mental institution?"
15) I bought for her a new perfume from Elie Saab and she said, "This is how virgin girls should smell like."
16) "Stop telling people that you get your snarky bone from me! I am nice!"
17) Once she was arguing with my neighbour and she shouted, "I am THIS close to releasing an army of Pontianaks in your house!"
18) She was hanging the laundry and she shouted from across the corridor, "Whose peach lacy thong does this belong to?! Oh sorry, it's mine!"
19) "Please don't believe in this whole love crap."
20) On the way to the clinic because of her migraine, "In case I die, please do not give any of my branded bags to your step mother or I will personally come out of the grave and kill both you and your brother."
21) "Sometimes I am so angry for being middle class. Upper class people don't have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to the market and argue with the butcher."
22) When asked if she would ever consider marrying again: "Eeeuw."
23) We were watching a Bollywood movie song and dance sequence and she said, "Where is all that wind coming from?"
24) "Please don't wear that shirt Harold. You look like a gay pimp."
25) "Why are people so stupid?"
Double Trouble O
I don't know what possessed me to say yes to Star's suggestion to go partying at Dbl O, but i said yes and as usual, regretted it soon after.
For the uninitiated, Dbl O, over the last few years have evolved into a hotspot for Matreps and Minahreps. For the uninitiated, Matreps and Minahreps is the local slang used to describe Malay youngsters (Matreps for boys, Minahreps for girls) with a distinct set of characteristics (usually hilariously negative). It would take an entire blog post to describe to non-Singaporeans what these beautiful set of creatures are.
I promise a blog post for that one.
So about a week ago, Star, Melanie, Steve and myself (upon Star's insistence) went to Dbl O to party the night away. Star said she wanted a "change of scenery" and like every good friend, I conceded and all the four of us made our way there after having dinner at Clark Quay.
I mean, I know that there were going to be quite a number of Malay youngsters present there but I had no idea it was going to be that many in the queue outside the club's entrance.
"I feel like there is an MP somewhere giving out grocery hampers inside the club!" Melanie joked.
The cab driver (who is a Malay damn it!) glared at us from the rear view mirror. Awkward silence. Once inside, we were ushered to a table right at the ned of the room, beside the washroom.
"Before you all ask me why I booked a table by the washroom, let me tell you that this is going to be one of the more sensible life choices I have made in my life. See I am not going to risk making a fool out of myself in front of the entire Malay community by vomiting right in the middle of the dancefloor because I couldn't make it to the washroom fast enough. And yes, I do foresee that I am going to vomit tonight because I heard that the drinks here are dirt cheap!" Star rattled on.
"How cheap?" Steve asked.
"$3 for a shot of Tequila," Star replied.
"No fucking way," Melanie shouted.
It was really $3 for a shot of Tequila. I had like eight shots and by one thirty, I was too intoxicated to even attempt to dance. So Steve and I just sat at our table laughing at everybody and what they wore while the girls danced it away on the dancefloor. Apparently it was Hip Hop and RnB night.
I was too high to even notice.
"Harry, I think that girl is looking at you," Steve suddenly shouted in my ear.
I wanted to tell him that I am intoxicated and not deaf but I just looked at the direction where his fingers were pointing.
There WAS a girl (a minahrep to be exact) looking directly at me, dancing away, grinding a random man. Her tongue was seductively licking her lips and she was doing these funny hand gestures.
"Is she showing me some gang signs cause if she is I am feeling very uncomfortable right now," I said, looking away.
Just then Melanie and Star came back to the table, all sweaty.
"Oh my god a really cute Malay dude just gave me his number and said he LOVED transexuals. How coincidentally progressive!" Melanie squealed.
"I think there is a Minahrep showing gang signs to Harry and he is feeling rather uncomfortable with it and honestly I do find this place a little weird. Almost all the Malay girls here have got the same eyebrows or is it just the cheap Tequila shots that is giving me that impression?" Steve said, obviously more drunk than I am.
"Oh my god I thought it's just me! They do have the same eyebrows, all of them! Anyways there is this Malay dude who also asked for my number! He's like only 19 and he is a firefighter!" Star excitedly shared.
"They are all firefighters. And he is a kid Star, don't be disgusting," I rolled my eyes.
"Well apparently he is old enough to put his tongue in my mouth!" Star replied.
"Okay. It IS the cheap tequila shots," I said, slouching back at my seat and just staring at the dark ceiling. At the corner of my eyes, the girl was still staring at me.
Weird place.
P/S: Thank you Nur Failzal Saari for the tip off. Follow him on Twitter @nurfaizalsaari
For the uninitiated, Dbl O, over the last few years have evolved into a hotspot for Matreps and Minahreps. For the uninitiated, Matreps and Minahreps is the local slang used to describe Malay youngsters (Matreps for boys, Minahreps for girls) with a distinct set of characteristics (usually hilariously negative). It would take an entire blog post to describe to non-Singaporeans what these beautiful set of creatures are.
I promise a blog post for that one.
So about a week ago, Star, Melanie, Steve and myself (upon Star's insistence) went to Dbl O to party the night away. Star said she wanted a "change of scenery" and like every good friend, I conceded and all the four of us made our way there after having dinner at Clark Quay.
I mean, I know that there were going to be quite a number of Malay youngsters present there but I had no idea it was going to be that many in the queue outside the club's entrance.
"I feel like there is an MP somewhere giving out grocery hampers inside the club!" Melanie joked.
The cab driver (who is a Malay damn it!) glared at us from the rear view mirror. Awkward silence. Once inside, we were ushered to a table right at the ned of the room, beside the washroom.
"Before you all ask me why I booked a table by the washroom, let me tell you that this is going to be one of the more sensible life choices I have made in my life. See I am not going to risk making a fool out of myself in front of the entire Malay community by vomiting right in the middle of the dancefloor because I couldn't make it to the washroom fast enough. And yes, I do foresee that I am going to vomit tonight because I heard that the drinks here are dirt cheap!" Star rattled on.
"How cheap?" Steve asked.
"$3 for a shot of Tequila," Star replied.
"No fucking way," Melanie shouted.
It was really $3 for a shot of Tequila. I had like eight shots and by one thirty, I was too intoxicated to even attempt to dance. So Steve and I just sat at our table laughing at everybody and what they wore while the girls danced it away on the dancefloor. Apparently it was Hip Hop and RnB night.
I was too high to even notice.
"Harry, I think that girl is looking at you," Steve suddenly shouted in my ear.
I wanted to tell him that I am intoxicated and not deaf but I just looked at the direction where his fingers were pointing.
There WAS a girl (a minahrep to be exact) looking directly at me, dancing away, grinding a random man. Her tongue was seductively licking her lips and she was doing these funny hand gestures.
"Is she showing me some gang signs cause if she is I am feeling very uncomfortable right now," I said, looking away.
Just then Melanie and Star came back to the table, all sweaty.
"Oh my god a really cute Malay dude just gave me his number and said he LOVED transexuals. How coincidentally progressive!" Melanie squealed.
"I think there is a Minahrep showing gang signs to Harry and he is feeling rather uncomfortable with it and honestly I do find this place a little weird. Almost all the Malay girls here have got the same eyebrows or is it just the cheap Tequila shots that is giving me that impression?" Steve said, obviously more drunk than I am.
"Oh my god I thought it's just me! They do have the same eyebrows, all of them! Anyways there is this Malay dude who also asked for my number! He's like only 19 and he is a firefighter!" Star excitedly shared.
"They are all firefighters. And he is a kid Star, don't be disgusting," I rolled my eyes.
"Well apparently he is old enough to put his tongue in my mouth!" Star replied.
"Okay. It IS the cheap tequila shots," I said, slouching back at my seat and just staring at the dark ceiling. At the corner of my eyes, the girl was still staring at me.
Weird place.
P/S: Thank you Nur Failzal Saari for the tip off. Follow him on Twitter @nurfaizalsaari
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